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How foreigners learn Russian: the strangest dialogues from textbooks

Have you ever wondered how people from other countries learn Russian? What do their Russian textbooks look like? Channel author "Protect speech" on "Yandex.Zen" I didn’t fight curiosity: I found such textbooks on the Internet and started reading them ... Further - in the first person.

Photo: Shutterstock

What can I tell you, Russians. Our reputation in the world is very unusual, but the more exciting the experiment. I chose all the best for you and prepared a selection. Before you will be phrases that, in the opinion of foreigners, will help them in Russia ...

First, we have a reputation as a drinking nation

It seems that without the mention of vodka, we do not have a single dialogue. Therefore, foreigners immediately need to learn three important questions:

  • A: Where is the vodka?
  • Q: Here it is.
  • A: Where is the menu?
  • Q: This is it.
  • A: Thank you.
  • Q: Please.

And, apparently, in their homeland, foreigners have a very vague idea of ​​alcoholic beverages. I did not find any other explanation for the following dialogue:

  • A: Sorry. What is it?
  • Q: This is wine.
  • A: And this?
  • Q: This is vodka.

At the same time, living soberly with us, apparently, is not encouraged. You need to have sufficient reason to go to visit non-drinkers. As a "proof" in the textbook there is a long dialogue between Vadim and Eve, in which a woman begs him to go to a certain Natalia and Boris. Vadim “votes” for Vera. In the end, Eve's nerves give up, and she gives out this:

  • E: It seems to me that you don't want to go to Natalia and Boris just because they don't drink. And Vera will give you a drink.
  • Q: Aren't you ashamed! You know that I like the sober lifestyle of Natalya Petrovna and her husband.

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Second conclusion. Due to the national habit of drinking, we quietly "ride a cuckoo"

Against this background, such dialogues arise in our country:

At the fish store:

  • Buyer: Tell me please, do you have meat?
  • Seller: No, this is a fish store. We have no fish. There is no meat in the store opposite.

And if the story from the fish store can be considered an anecdote, then from the following conversation the hair on his head moves:

  • Eva: Did you bring the pineapple?
  • VP: No, I didn't bring any pineapple. Where have you seen pineapple?
  • Eva: Tanya says there is a pineapple in a bag in the kitchen.
  • VP: Never mind what Tanya says. She had never seen a pineapple in her life. She doesn't even know what it is.

And not only do we not know what pineapples look like in life. We haven't even seen them in pictures. Otherwise, how can you explain the need for the following statement:

  • Blue pineapples don't exist.

Third conclusion. The Soviet past does not let us go

Here are two comrades talking about an invitation to a lecture that some Victor will give. And Mary is sincerely worried that she will again have to listen to a lecture about the employees of the state security agency:

  • Volodya: The same one. So, he remembers you and wants to invite you to a lecture that he gives on Wednesday.
  • Mary: What topic? I hope his lecture will be more interesting than the lecture about the Chekists, to which you took me the day before yesterday.
  • Volodya: Don't worry. Victor is our best specialist in Russian theater.

In the middle of the textbook, I even found an anecdote on a topic that was painful for Soviet people:

Brezhnev was driving along one of the Moscow avenues. He decided to see how the Soviet people live. He ordered the driver to stop the car at a multi-storey building. He entered the house and called the first apartment. A little boy opened the door. Brezhnev asked the boy if he had a TV in his house.

- Yes, - he answered.
- And the refrigerator?
- There is.
- And the tape recorder?
- There is.
- So, I gave you all this!

The boy laughed with joy:

- Mom, dad, Uncle Misha came from America!

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And finally, one more anecdote, in order to understand which a foreigner, anyway, needs to know the history of Russia. Or at least the history of St. Petersburg. Otherwise, he will think that the journalist is talking to a resident who is over 300 years old:

The journalist conducted a survey on the streets of Moscow:
- Excuse me, where were you born?
- In St. Petersburg.
- Where did you graduate from school?
- In Petrograd.
- Where do you live now?
- In Leningrad.
- Where do you want to live?
- In St. Petersburg.

Well, what do you think will help this knowledge to foreigners in Russia?

Original column published on the blog. "Protect speech" on "Yandex.Zen"

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